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S​/​T

by deer in the headlights

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1.
I CAN ALREADY SEE MYSELF BECOMING SOMETHING I HATE I KNOW YOU’LL TELL ME IM WRONG BUT IM SINGING THIS SONG CONVINCE ME MY LIFE IS NOT A LIE IM TIRED OF TRYING IF I COULD ONLY SUFFOCATE THIS VOICE IN MY HEAD TELLING ME IM WORTHLESS LIKE A HAMMER TO THE GROUND THEY PIN ME DOWN TELL ME IM WRONG I’LL PLAY ALONG NO WAIT I’D RATHER BE ALONE
2.
I WISH I COULD BURN ALL MY CLOTHES AND NOT WORRY ABOUT THE COST SOMETIMES A GLANCE IS ALL THAT IT TAKES TO HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF TEAR OLD PICTURES APART BURN IT TO THE GROUND MAYBE CUT MY HAIR START OVER AGAIN A BRAND NEW LIFE IN A NEW HOUSE WITH NEW FRIENDS AND FAMILY SOMETIMES IT SEEMS THAT’S ALL IT TAKES FOR PROBLEMS TO GO AWAY BUT EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU TAKE YOUR HOLES WITH YOURSELF NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU GO I DON’T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND WHY I FEEL LIKE RUNNING AWAY MOST OF THE TIMES I PAY THE PRICE OF CLOTHES I WEAR EVERY TIME IM AWAKE PEOPLE SAY TRY EASIER SAID THAN DONE I AM SORRY FOR NO APPRECIATING EVERY SINGLE BIT OF EFFORT YOU PUT INTO SEWING NEW CLOTHES FOR ME RAISING A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS HARD I HOPE YOU’RE SATISFIED
3.
BURNING MY CLOTHES WAS HARD EVERYTHING BLACK COMES FROM AFAR CUTTING MY HAIR WAS HARD EVERY SINGLE MEANS WE WENT TO FAR SCENT OF BURNING LINGERS LEAVES BLISTER ON FINGERS FALLEN HAIR STILL THERE MADE NOTHING GO AWAY STILL I HAVE THE DIRT UNDER MY NAILS I HAVE WASHED THEM BUT I’VE CUT TOO MUCH SO I TELL YOU AGAIN TOUCHING WITH THESE IS PAIN POINTING FINGER IS TO BLAME WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHO TO POINT AT THESE WEAK ARMS DON’T KNOW HOW TO ACT CANT STOP TREMBLING CANT STOP SWEAT SOMETIMES IN LIFE IT’S OKAY TO CARE THAT MUCH BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THESE HANDS DON’T KNOW THESE HANDS DON’T KNOW THEY DON’T KNOW
4.
WE NEED OTHER PEOPLE COS OTHER PEOPLE MAKE US FORGET ABOUT OURSELVES I HATE TO LIE TO YOU THERE’S NO REASON WE’RE TOGETHER JUST A HABIT OF BEATING LONELINESS TAKING THE SPACE YOU USED TO FILL CARVING A HOLE IN ME NOW THERE’S JUST ABYSS OF BROKEN DREAMS MISSED EXPECTATIONS AND FAILED INTENTIONS A LONELY HEART AFRAID OF TRUSTING AFRAID OG BREAKING APART BUT I KNOW ITS NOT OUR VIRTUES THAT COUNT ON BUT OUR FLAWS CHILDREN OF LONELY HEARTS THERE’S SOMEONE OUT THERE SET OUT TO MEND OUR SCARS NO MATTER HOW DEEP THE WOUNDS MAY BE OUR FLAWS ARE ALWAYS COMPLEMENTARY SO I’LL BE SEARCHING FOR THE UNWANTED SHATTERED AND HAUNTED ‘CAUSE I’M STILL THERE AND IF WE FIND ONE ANOTHER WE CAN REDISCOVER LONELY HEARTS CAN LOVE AGAIN
5.
IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME LIKE YOU KNOW YOURSELF YOU SHOULD TAKE A SECOND TO REFLECT YOU DON'’T THINK YOU JUST REACT AND IT MUST BE DIFFICULT TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS WHEN THEY’RE SET ON PREJUDICE OUR MINDS CAN BE PERPLEXING BUT THEY DON’T RULE OUR WORLDS IT’S A DECEPTION AND YOU’RE WALKING PROOF “BROKEN HOMES AND FAMILIES” DON’T PRETEND DON’T PREACH ABOUT CHANGING THE WORLD WHEN YOU’RE ALREADY GONE WHEN YOUR HEROES ARE FALLING ONE BY ONE
6.
YOU KNOW THE DISCOMFORT OF NOT GETTING A THING AS A CHILD HOW INJUSTICE HURT LIKE A THORN IN THE EYE LIKE BEING RIPPED FROM YOUR MOTHERS WOMB IT FEELS LIKE I WAS TOOK FROM HER LAP TOO SOON MAYBE CAUSE I NEVER GOT FELT YOUR STROKE MAYBE CAUSE I NEVER GOT TO HOLD YOU CLOSE TO FEEL THE ROUGHNESS OF YOUR FACE AGAINST MY CHEEKS MAYBE THAT’S WHY AT NIGHTS IT’S HARD TO SLEEP BAREFOOTED ON COLD GROUNDS THROWN INTO THE WORLD WITH HOUNDS BE INVISIBLE MAKE NO SOUND HOPE THEY CHOOSE YOU, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND DON’T TELL ME PLEASE I SHOULD EVER STAY QUIET IT ONLY MAKES ME SCREAM LOUDER IT’S HARD TO BE SILENT WITH ALL OF THE VOICES TELLING YOU “ALWAYS FIGHT HARDER” DON’T TELL ME PLEASE I SHOULD LOVE ALL THE PEOPLE WHEN MOST OF THEM DESERVE HUNGER IT’S HARD TO BE LOVING WITH ALL OF THE VOICES SCREAMING LOUDER CUTTING FINGERNAILS SHREDDING OLD SKIN WASHING ALL THE DIRT OFF IM JUST CIRCLING AROUND PROMISE ME YOUR ABSENCE WASN’T THE CAUSE QUITE HONESTLY I COULDN’T CARE LESS IF THAT WAS THE PROBLEM PROMISE ME LIFE WOULD BE THE SAME WITH YOUR HAND AROUND ME QUITE HONESTLY I NEVER FELT WHAT IT’S LIKE TO LOVE YOU BAREFOOTED ON COLD GROUNDS THROWN INTO THE WORLD WITH HOUNDS BE INVISIBLE MAKE NO SOUND HOPE THEY CHOOSE YOU, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND BUT THE GROUND IS GETTING WARMER I WILL SCREAM FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS I WILL TAME THE HOUNDS I WONT BE INVISIBLE ANYMORE AND YOUR ABSENCE WONT CRIPPLE ME IT HAS TAUGHT ME TO STAN IN LINE AND WAIT FOR EVERYTHING THAT I MINE
7.
STORM INSIDE 02:34
GETTING UP FROM BED HAS NEVER BEEN SO HARD I’LL JUST STAY HERE AND CHAT WITH MYSELF, WITH MYSELF SHE’S JUST STARTING TO WHISPER AND IF I’M TOO LOUD SHE’LL GO AWAY AGAIN THEN I’LL BE ALONE WITH NOTHING TO HATE BUT EVERYONE CAUSE IT’S EASIER TO THINK ABOUT FAILING THEN IT IS TO ACTUALLY FAIL BUT I KNOW I’VE GOT TO TRY THEY SAY LIFE AIN’T WORTH WHILE IF YU NEVER EMBARRASS YOURSELF JUST OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SLIME FROM TIME TO TIME EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S OKAY IT’S OKAY I’M SORRY FOR NOT HANDLING LIFE THE RIGHT WAY I WAS ALWAYS ATTENTION CRAVING BRAT I NEVER KNEW WHAT I WANTED TO BE I NEVER KNOW WHO I WANTED TO SEE IN THE MIRROR I ALWAYS HATED THE PERSON LOOKING BACK AT ME
8.
LATE NIGHT, STILL SLEEPLESS THINKING HOW UNMOVED I WAS WITH THAT TAPE THAT SHOWED YOU IN A BRAND NEW WAR UNIFORM YOU NEVER SHOWED ANY KIND OF DISTRESS YOU SMILED ON PICTURES BUT IT WAS TO IMPRESS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS WHOSE BODIES BARELY GREW TAKEN FROM THE SCHOOLYARDS SO THEY NEVER KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES OF BEING THEIR KID AND WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS TO KILL A BEING STILL THEY'RE LEAVING THEIR MOTHERS ARE GRIEVING DID THEY PREPARE THEM FOR THE KILLING BUT STILL THINK ABOUT THAT TAPE HOW COULD YOU HAVE BEEN SO COLD

credits

released July 22, 2014

RECORDED BY RADAK AND ALJOSA
MIXED BY ALJOSA
WINTER/SPRING 2014
ART BY PETRA
www.facebook.com/petra.brkic.94

BOSLEVAN RECORDS
BOSLEVANRECORDS@GMAIL.COM
WWW.BOSLEVANRECORDS.CO.UK

GOOD SAMARITAN RECORDS
GOODSAMARITANRECORDS@GMAIL.COM

TAPE ON CASTRATO RECORDS

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